Becoming a Lawyer Among Other Things

It is singularly the strangest thing that I have ever considered. I never honestly truly considered becoming a lawyer, and it’s so very odd that I might actually be thinking about it. My father is a lawyer, and he’s a decent one in comparison to others. However, for many long years, I scorned the very idea of becoming a lawyer. I didn’t want to become one because I had seen so many terrible ones, been through too much pain because of my parents’ divorce and because I had seen so much of the law process on the receiving end that I never wanted to be doling out so much pain and misfortune.

And yet, now I’m actually considering becoming one because I’m able to take a second look at everything now that I’m an adult. I can help people, protect people, and become a part of the governmental system. I can inflict great damage, but can also encourage great change.

I have all the skill sets for becoming a lawyer. I have a great mind, acting skills, the ability to think quickly on my feet while referencing several facts at once. I have so much to offer. I love the idea of learning law. I love the idea of really becoming a person who can affect many. I don’t know what kind of law that I’d like to do, although the idea of doing entertainment law would be quite interesting to try out. All I know is that criminal and family/divorce law would be completely out. I wouldn’t want to do anything of the family sort because of the fact that I’ve lived through it, and I know that it would be upon my head that so many divorces would have taken place. And for criminal law, I don’t want to be defending the people who did something wrong. If forced to do criminal law, I’d rather be a prosecutor and put the people behind bars that really deserved it.

But this has been a very interesting paradigm shift. I didn’t expect to really enjoy working for my father and doing odd jobs in his office to help things run a little more smoothly for him. I didn’t expect for everything to start pointing to my going to law school. I didn’t expect much at all. I went into working for him with reluctance, not expecting to really enjoy helping him out and around his office. I didn’t expect to really take to it at all. I didn’t want to. But now it looks like  I’m going to be going right into the profession that I’ve been aimed towards since I was three years old and in a Suffolk University track suit back in the 80’s.

~*~

Christmas is so overrated. It’s annoying me because of the fact that it’s become something so materialistic and has strayed so far from the origins that it was supposed to have. Christianity is a fulfillment of Judaism. Jesus Christ the Messiah fulfilled the Hebrew prophesies about who the Messiah is supposed to be.

Easter is the fulfillment of Passover. And yet it’s become all about finding the Easter eggs and getting candy and it’s about the Easter rabbit and going to church and listening to the story of Jesus rising from the dead. They skim over the Passover meal, save for the part where Judas Iscariot betrays Jesus. They love that part. Betrayal adds drama to the story. But it had been about the Passover Lamb being slaughtered, sacrificed, so that many could live in freedom.

Christmas is the fulfillment of Hanukah. Yet now it’s about Santa Claus, the fat man in red, bringing presents to girls and boys, giving them what they’ve wanted all year. Again, it’s a great day for the holiday Christians to pack into church again to hear the story of the birth of the Man who would die thirty-three years later so that their souls would be saved. But the holiday isn’t necessarily about giving what people want. Jesus didn’t want to die. But He needed to so that He could save humanity. He came to want what His Father wanted, which was what He needed to do. We might want to have our souls saved, but we need it more than we want it. Hanukah is the festival of lights. It’s about the Maccabees who fought for Jerusalem and had enough oil to light the lamp for eight days. Jesus is the light of the world, and He fights with us, His light guiding us.

Why have we prostituted our holidays to consumerism and materialism? I’m angry because of that simple fact. I can’t stand Christmas carols because of how commercialized they’ve become.

In a rather large nutshell … that is why I can’t stand Christmas.

Small Changes

So I’m learning about a new program called Windows Live Writer … apparently, it’s done very well in emulating my blog so that I can work on blog stuff without having to even be online. That’s a bonus. The only time I have to be online would be to actually upload and publish my thoughts. I highly approve of this.

Moving on, I’ve been working for my lawyer father on the days that I’m not working for Build-A-Bear, and it’s been very interesting. I’m finding out that I’m enjoying being around lawyers. I have the perfect mind to be doing law work, and my skill sets are perfectly suited for the job. I’m glad that I’ve finally really come to that realization. God’s been shoving my nose in that direction for a long time, but I just didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to be a lawyer because “all lawyers are evil.” I didn’t like them, I had a bad taste in my mouth because of the crap that had gone down in my parents’ divorce.

But in that I can now look objectively at the profession as a thinking adult, now almost six years out of high school, having survived two and a half years in an intense seminary … I’m starting to realize that there’s something that I can do about all that. I can be a good lawyer.

More than that, I’m know that I’m going to be able to really make a difference in this world by being a lawyer. Or a judge, if I decide to go that high in the judicial system. Who knows?

Afraid

When I see a picture of him, I can still feel as if I can reach out and brush my hand along his jaw, feeling the intoxicating blend of stubble and skin. The thought stops me in my path, and makes me feel like my heart will beat out of my chest, making it hard to breathe. When I get that first deep breath in, I feel the love rekindle, burn brighter.

I feel that I'm not good enough for him sometimes, and I act out because of that, almost like trying to get him to see the worst in me. But he never does. And he never gives up on me, never gives in to that little dark voice in the back of my head screaming, "Don't you see what you're going to be getting into?! Don't you get it? Dump me! Free me! I'm not worth your time, your money, your investment, your love!!! I'm not worth it!" And it's in moments like that, the moments of calm after the fights and squabbles, that I want to give into that dark voice and make things worse, and make him hate me so that he can see me for who I really am: Broken. A record that once had held a fantastic song upon it that I can't hear anymore.

I can't figure out why I do the things that I do. I don't know why I act out. I don't know why I snap and snarl. Is it insecurity? Is it trying to get him to hate me so that I can please my mother and marry a man that she approves of? Is it the agony of having half a continent between us that is the reason behind why I can't reach out and run my hand over his cheek, weaving my fingers through his as we walk beside each other, kissing him, feeling his wonderful embrace?

Or is it just this feeling of not being worthy enough?

Is it because I want to do so much, but I can't for the life of me figure out how to weave together both the dreams I have and my relationship with this amazing man? I can't see that yet, and that confuses me and hurts me because to marry him is a dream that I really want to see happen. I want to see so much happen in my life, but I don't know where to start. I'm overwhelmed by so much, unable to sit back and comprehend everything that is coming up before my eyes.

And then I'm brought to wondering if I'm allowed to have so many wants. I haven't had much in my life, and I cling to things, to behaviors, to so much ... because I'm afraid that if I let go, I'm never going to be able to catch them again. I want freedom, and yet I'm afraid to open my wings. I'm reluctant to unfurl them completely because I've had them tucked so tightly to my back that they're stiff and sore. I don't want the wings of freedom to get bruised, hurt, broken ... I don't want to leave the ground because I'm comfortable here. I don't want to go too high because I'm afraid that I'll fall.

I'm afraid to love a man with my whole heart. I'm afraid to open my eyes to see flaws. I'm afraid to really take a stand against my mother. I'm afraid of so many things and I just cover it all up under cotton bandages, knitted wool sweatshirts, and a Decepticon baseball cap.

But I'm not afraid to cry.

So for now ... I cry. Because writing these truths and feelings help me open my wings a little more.

Happy Thanksgiving!

So I got to sleep in. Kinda. Mom woke me up pretty early in my book so that she could drop Kail off at work (he's severely unhappy about that). I had to pull out two pies of the oven. And watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. I'm not a huge fan, but I saw two high school marching bands ... yeah ... WOW. It's amazing that TJ did that kind of stuff, and that his high school is now nationally known among competing bands. Every time I see a band,I just have to smile. I can't help but feel that I'm going to be involved with one at some point.

I'm going to be seeing my family for the first time in a long while today. I'm so excited about the gathering. It's the first communal Thanksgiving in years, and I've been looking forward to it since I heard about it about a month ago. I have the feeling that I'm going to be playing damage control at some point. That never ceases to amaze me how that's part of the routine of my life. I'm going to be pitching my idea to other family members regarding compiling and writing a collective memoir about the house that everyone passed through on the way to immigrating to America.

Aside from that, I'm about 75% done with my Christmas presents to people. I'm really happy that everything's really going to plan. I just can't wait to get everything mailed out to people.

Anywhos. I have to shower and get ready for the day. That includes getting into decent clothing. And makeup. *sighs* I wish that I was spending the holidays with TJ ... I really miss him.

~*~

The day went well. I'm home and put water on for tea, and have a bagel defrosting. I'm just going to put up some pictures of today after a bullet list of what went on:

~ Chaos
~ Gorging
~ Volleyball game (which I skipped out on)
~ Talking with family members about everything between old family stories, books, new interests, music, and life
~ Watching Football, figure-skating, Mythbusters

So you know, it's the overall type of things.


Me and my cousin Rachel.


I got another one of my cousins' littlest one to sleep ...

I wish I hadn't been sober ...

... because the reunion last night would have been so much more fun. It was in a bar, we didn't have much space, and overall, it was pretty much only a good night because I was hanging out with the people that I hung out with during High School. Everyone was as cliquey as ever, save for a couple people.

I wish that TJ had been there. That would have helped more than a little. That, and I'm annoyed that I couldn't get a drink because of the fact that my ID isn't a liqueur license. Fail. There are so many new laws in MA that I didn't know about.

So yeah. At least I worked for Dad yesterday. Made some money. I wish that I had made more money. I'm really looking forward to getting a job. I really just want to enjoy work instead of just working to make money. I really, really want to enjoy life again, and not just function.

... was that a bird?

Of course, I notice the strangest things while I'm in a mall. People, mainly, and how they're acting. I can tell you who is feeling what, I can tell you if a couple are fighting or are peaceful. I can show you good parents and neglectful parents, and those who are one but masquerade as the other. Run me into a toy store or a pet store and I can tell what kind of kids you have. I can also show you people who shouldn't own pets.

But the most amazing thing I saw today that took me completely by surprise were two birds that were in the indoor food court, zipping around. My question was Who catches those darn things? My second one: Isn't that a health hazard? What if a bird takes a crap on some food? AVIAN FLU, OMG!!! /sarcasm.

The best part about it was seeing them, staring in shock, then hearing a high schooler ask, "Was that a bird?" from right behind me.

~*~

The reason why I've been to the mall three times in the last three days is not to go Christmas shopping, or mall-ratting in general, but in order to find a job. And I think that I've found one. I'm hoping that I have. I'll know before tomorrow is over if I got the job that I have my heart set upon, and by the end of the week if I get the second-favorite job of the bunch of applications that I've put out.

And my phone died before I even left the mall because I forgot to plug it in last night before going to sleep. I fail. But when I turned it on, I received a great text from my TJ:

"Text on 'texts from last night': 'come in. grab a controller and a beer. we've got some madden to beat.' Response: 'you're the best girlfriend ever!' I want that. LOL. I love you babe. How's your day going?"

I love that man. I love gaming with him, too.

~*~

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I get to do work for Dad from 10AM until 4PM, then I'm going to Lindsey's house ... I haven't seen her in two years, and she and her girlfriend are going to my class reunion tomorrow. I can't wait to see how everything's going to pan out. She's so excited for me and TJ, and she's so happy to hear how our relationship is going so well. Apparently, she hasn't been hearing much in the way of great relationships, but the same goes for me, too. I hear about all the issues ... but that's partially my fault because I'm one of the "Fixers" of the group. You know that person. Every group has one. It's the person who is "wise beyond their years," "responsible," "caring," etc ...

Sometimes, it doesn't feel like it on this side. It feels like there's a great amount of needs, and I can't fill those needs. I can't. It's not my place. I can do a little, say a few words, maybe be a crying shoulder, but when it comes down to it ... it's all about what they choose to do with the advice. And I don't like to repeat myself with advice. I hate it. If you're going to come to me with the same problem seven times over, I'll tell you to stop coming to me. You won't like that side of me. However, thankfully, that's not always the case, and most of my friends and those who come to me to "have me fix their woes" will actually put into effect what I give them to do, generally after thinking it over. If they choose to do something else that will ALSO help them solve their problem, all the more power to them! It means that they were wise and went to multiple people about a large problem, wanting to find the best way to fix it.

I think that's a decent enough post for now. My thoughts are organized again. Score.

Easy Handwarmer Crochet Pattern

Being interruptable and having an interruptable mindset is the most amazing thing in the world.

I was about to make my own handwarmers after making a Christmas present for a friend, and was interrupted by someone sitting next to me on the bus. She had been reading a book, but when I pulled out my crochet hook and started to count out stitches on an old pair of handwarmers, she took notice and nudged me. Maybe twice. I don't think I noticed the first time. LOL. Yes, I can be that oblivious. But I'm glad that I perked up and started talking with her. It was a delightful conversation.

She asked what I had been making, and I told her. Then I started to tell her how to make them. It was as I was telling her how to make them that I realized that I should make out a pattern for them. So here's the pattern, with an example amount of stitches.


CROCHET HAND WARMERS

Officially, you chain however many that you need that runs around the circumference of your hand by the widest part of your knuckles. If you like your gloves to fit loosely, then add a couple stitches. If you like your gloves to fit snugly, then just leave it.

You need to have an odd amount of stitches. This is important to the fit of the handwarmer.

For example, 31. That's the amount of that I'm going to use for the example because of the material and size of yarn that I chose. Now on to the pattern. Comment if you don't understand a step and I'll explain what I mean.

For this particular handwamer set (which is a set that I'm making for myself), I'm using Patons Classic Wool in Wedgewood (color 77011, dye lot 244077). I'm using a 3.75mm hook, US size F/5, instead of the recommended size of a 5mm hook (US H/8). That creates a tighter stitch, giving it a more delicate look while cutting drafts down.

If you're doing this for your first time project, I'd suggest using a US size H/8 and any normal yarn. Disregard the recommended size that it says on the skein if it's Red Heart Supersaver No Dye Lot or something comparable to that. Use worsted medium yarn.

Here we go!



STEP ONE:
Ch 31, then ch 1 and sc in stitch 31. sc the remaining 30 stitches. Ch 1, turn, sc next row.

Continue until 7 rows are complete.

(I continued on past the 7 rows because the smaller hook gave me smaller rows, and I wanted to have the handwarmer come up over my knuckles.)

STEP TWO:
Ch 2, turn and dc 15. Ch 1 and sc the next row. Repeat this step two more times.

STEP THREE:
Ch 2, skip one stitch, and dc the remaining 14 stitches. Ch 2, skip a stitch, dc 13. Ch 2, dc 12. Final row: ch 2, dc 11. Finish. This is the cuff of the handwarmer. You now have an L-shaped piece of work. (With mine, I'm extending the cuff so that it can go up the sleeve of whatever I'm wearing, keeping out any drafts. I did seven rows instead of the three I normally do.)

STEP FOUR:
On the 7th row, where you did the 15 double crochet stitches on one side, tie in on the 17th stitch. What you'll be looking at is in the following picture:


Sc to the end of the row, ch 1, turn, sc back 15 stitches. Continue until you have 9 rows. (If you want to have longer palm and the back of hand, then measure accordingly. For every row of dc, you have to have two rows of sc. So for three sets of the dc and sc as I demonstrated, that's nine sc rows. Four sets is 12 sc rows on the palm. Which is also what I did for my current handwarmer.)

STEP FIVE:
Repeat Step Three. (Disregard the length in the picture. Remember that what I'm working on right now is my own set of handwarmers.)


STEP SIX:
Match up the sides. Sew together the outer sides of the handwarmer in whatever way you feel like. For the middle, sew up ONLY the cuff, which is the final four rows. Finish.

The final product that you will do is reflected in the first picture, where you see two of them tied together.

You now have your handwarmer! Repeat the process to make the second one, but be careful! Remember that the side that has more single crochet is the palm of the handwarmer. Sew accordingly. Remember that you sew things inside out.

Comment with a link to a picture of the finished product! I can't wait to see how yours came out! Please feel free to expand upon this pattern.


(PS: Mine fit FANTASTICALLY! I just finished one, and everything about the fit is perfect.)

Full Days = Win

Today was great. Pretty much totally awesome. I miss my TJ, but that's about it for the downside, and that weighs pretty heavily on the scale of life.

So I get up and get ready. I looked pretty darn good. Good enough that some random trucker made eyes at me while he was waiting for a red light to turn green. I mean, really? It wasn't even a Peterbilt, so what's the point? As much as I love TJ ... getting hit on my Optimus Prime would hold a special kinda honor, you know? Even my friends know this about me!

I go to the South Shore Plaza, and then to the Cheesecake factory to have a late lunch with Lauren and two of her friends. It was fun ... only we got a rude waitress. Two other servers came over who knew Lauren and her friends from different places. I enjoyed listening to the banter. It was freaking intellectual, fast-paced, and overall a blast.

After the late lunch came the mall-rat routine. This time, however, I had a mission. I had to obtain items that fell into two specific and important groups: underwear and applications. And I got both AND a pair of shoes from Aldo for $12!!! So I did pretty well.

As of right now, I have two applications done, started a third, and have two to do online tomorrow when I get home from handing in these current applications. Thursday should be a day of cleaning and getting my room in order ... it's still in blatant disarray since I came back from Dallas. I'm looking forward to Friday, where I'm going to be working for Dad, then going to my 5-year High School reunion. I really can't wait to see who is going to show up, but I'm also slightly apprehensive. I'm not sure about who is going to be going, and I don't want to run into people that I didn't get along with back then if they've held onto grudges. I'd like to think that after five years some people could change, but I'm not even all that sure. I try hard not to have grudges either. I hope that I'm able to manage it, but I think that I'm just going to have to see when I get there.

Bedtime ... much later than anticipated, but it was good. I was on the phone with Lindsey, an old classmate and a good friend. I can't wait to see her on Friday.

And thus it begins ...

So I've started to apply to jobs in Boston after leaving Dallas. I'm not entirely sure where this is all going to take me, but I'm looking forward to this. Right now, I'm in the middle of doing several things, as I am wont to do. It's interesting. Here's the list:

~ I'm looking up crochet patterns.
~ I've got two Word documents open- my resume and a letter that I'm slowly translating into Japanese.
~ I'm applying to two different hospitals as administrative support staff.
~ I'm listening to music.
~ I'm looking up past job locations, and thinking that I should make a list of them all. Oi vey.
~ I'm crocheting a surprise for the man I love.
~ I'm texting a good friend about the plans for the day ... I might be going to a mall and looking for Christmas presents ... even though I'm well on the track to making them all.

... And that's not even including what's going on in my head right now. I think that I'll need a cup of tea and a new entry for that.