Phew! Changes ...

I'm back at Borders in Braintree, as I'm sure most of you know by now ... not that there are many readers. ^.^ I'm working as the Paperchase specialist.

I broke up with TJ in mid-March, maybe early April. It's been a tough time since then as I start to rebuild my life around what I want to do, and refocusing upon my life instead of what "we" were going to be doing. Frankly, I would have been limiting myself.

I've been getting into a lot of crafts again, from crochet to sewing to making friendship bracelets to drawing and working with clay. It's been so much fun to rediscover my love for all things creative. One thing that I've been doing with clay is make symbol or mascot pendants for Avatar the Last Airbender. I used the four nations' symbols to create pendants that I then painted and sealed in with a glossy spray. They came out pretty nifty looking. I don't really have a rant for the movie version of AtLA, aside from the fact that I wish that they had shown more character interactions between Aang, Katara and Sokka.

Aside from that, though, my life has been going pretty well.

Busy!

There's been a lot that has been going on with my life. TJ came to visit in early January, and I'm planning to be visiting him in May when I also go and see some friends walk at CFNI's May Commencement. While I won't be too happy to be going back to see CFNI, I'll be happy to be seeing my friends. Overall, it's going to be good, though. I'm going to be able to have at least two date nights with TJ and I'll be meeting Darla for the first time. She's our puppy. I can't wait to be able to just meet her, walk with her, and see how she reacts to me.

I have a job again, after a few months of not having one. The job at Build-A-Bear in the mall didn't work out, as it appears that I had been hired as seasonal help. Getting there and back was a pain, so I hadn't been too unhappy about that. Now I'm at Borders in Braintree, enjoying some intelligent conversation and interactions instead of asking how full they want their bear stuffed. Ugh.

So that's the shorthand of the update!

I can’t seem to catch a break

There are many things that are contributing to my title. In order:

1- I had to leave Dallas because I couldn’t pay for my semester, and didn’t have a place to stay down there. I left the love of my life, and I feel the ache of that decision every day. I miss him, I can’t wait to see him when he comes up in two weeks. It’s been a very long three months since I’ve seen him last, and I’m not sure how well I’m going to take him leaving on an airplane when his time here is done. I don’t look forward to that at all. My heart aches with my decision, even though I knew that it was the right one to make at the time.

2- I got a job, but it’s at Build-A-Bear. I want to have a better job, one that I know will pay off school bills, one that will challenge my mind, not just my interpersonal skills. I’ve had enough challenge on that level to be a professional advisor on how to deal with people. I want to be working and being able to see progress, doing intelligent work, not just stuffing bears for kids and using my soprano cotton-candy voice until I’m hoarse and have a headache from it. The one good thing about the job is that it’s managed to give me the incentive to polish my resume and write up a proper cover letter. I’ll be handing those into a few places on Monday and Tuesday.

3- While I want to be able to have my own place, this is a round-robin argument, because I don’t have the money to settle out on my own. I want to have my own place, and be able to just enjoy having my own life, but … I can’t.

4- I had Christmas up with my Dad’s side of the family on December 19/20th, and I was treated like I was actually my own age for all of three or four hours. And then came the kicker, when I was told that I was going to an amateur production of The Nutcracker. Told. Ordered. Literally. “You have no choice in the matter. We’re going to The Nutcracker.” I’m sorry, but I’m 23. I’m not a teenager or a child who has no free will. Even then, shouldn’t you have asked instead of telling me point-blank that I was going?

Fail.

The night sucked. The guys went and saw Avatar. I would have much rather gone with them than had to deal with watching a very TERRIBLE night. I mean, really? Shouldn’t the girls playing snowflakes for the snowflake dance, you know, not even seem to be touching the floor? I’m no ballet connoisseur, but c’mon, really? I don’t even really like the ballet that much. But I’m going with two friends who have gotten a taste for enjoying the show, and I’ll be watching the Boston Ballet perform it on Sunday.

But I was livid. It was really, REALLY annoying to be told what to do. I’ll be letting people know ahead of time that if they want to plan something … include me in the planning process. I might not want to go and watch another bunch of amateur ballet dancers skewer a classic.

5- This is really what’s bothering me the most. I’m in love with TJ, and I’m having issues with everyone up in Boston because they don’t approve of him. Granted, the first (and only) visit that had him meeting my Bostonian family didn’t go well at all. It’s strange, frustrating, and sad. Of those who are in Dallas, they all are rooting for me and TJ. But at the same time, those up in Boston . . . you know the drill. It’s really tiring to be walking this tightrope, tense, not sure what I can and can’t say to the people around me because they might judge me for my love for him. It’s getting on my nerves because I can’t revel in my relationship. I can’t really be happy or giggle about it with anyone up in Boston, save for those who haven’t met him. Everyone who has . . . they close down. I can talk to those in Dallas who know both me and TJ and can have the girl-talk time with them . . . but it’s hard knowing that I’m the only one up here that is really rooting for my situation. I’m my own cheerleader.

We’ve tried everything to lighten the situation and to really try to make people understand what had been riding under the surface of the August visit, and yet nothing really happened, nobody’s really listening. My mother’s being the hardest on my relationship, and doesn’t approve of him or give her blessing on our relationship. And that hurts. I’m not out to be an approval addict, but this is really getting to become painful, like a festering wound on my heart that nothing will heal. I’m weary.

He’s coming up in four days. Maybe, hopefully, things will change.