There are many things that are contributing to my title. In order:
1- I had to leave Dallas because I couldn’t pay for my semester, and didn’t have a place to stay down there. I left the love of my life, and I feel the ache of that decision every day. I miss him, I can’t wait to see him when he comes up in two weeks. It’s been a very long three months since I’ve seen him last, and I’m not sure how well I’m going to take him leaving on an airplane when his time here is done. I don’t look forward to that at all. My heart aches with my decision, even though I knew that it was the right one to make at the time.
2- I got a job, but it’s at Build-A-Bear. I want to have a better job, one that I know will pay off school bills, one that will challenge my mind, not just my interpersonal skills. I’ve had enough challenge on that level to be a professional advisor on how to deal with people. I want to be working and being able to see progress, doing intelligent work, not just stuffing bears for kids and using my soprano cotton-candy voice until I’m hoarse and have a headache from it. The one good thing about the job is that it’s managed to give me the incentive to polish my resume and write up a proper cover letter. I’ll be handing those into a few places on Monday and Tuesday.
3- While I want to be able to have my own place, this is a round-robin argument, because I don’t have the money to settle out on my own. I want to have my own place, and be able to just enjoy having my own life, but … I can’t.
4- I had Christmas up with my Dad’s side of the family on December 19/20th, and I was treated like I was actually my own age for all of three or four hours. And then came the kicker, when I was told that I was going to an amateur production of The Nutcracker. Told. Ordered. Literally. “You have no choice in the matter. We’re going to The Nutcracker.” I’m sorry, but I’m 23. I’m not a teenager or a child who has no free will. Even then, shouldn’t you have asked instead of telling me point-blank that I was going?
Fail.
The night sucked. The guys went and saw Avatar. I would have much rather gone with them than had to deal with watching a very TERRIBLE night. I mean, really? Shouldn’t the girls playing snowflakes for the snowflake dance, you know, not even seem to be touching the floor? I’m no ballet connoisseur, but c’mon, really? I don’t even really like the ballet that much. But I’m going with two friends who have gotten a taste for enjoying the show, and I’ll be watching the Boston Ballet perform it on Sunday.
But I was livid. It was really, REALLY annoying to be told what to do. I’ll be letting people know ahead of time that if they want to plan something … include me in the planning process. I might not want to go and watch another bunch of amateur ballet dancers skewer a classic.
5- This is really what’s bothering me the most. I’m in love with TJ, and I’m having issues with everyone up in Boston because they don’t approve of him. Granted, the first (and only) visit that had him meeting my Bostonian family didn’t go well at all. It’s strange, frustrating, and sad. Of those who are in Dallas, they all are rooting for me and TJ. But at the same time, those up in Boston . . . you know the drill. It’s really tiring to be walking this tightrope, tense, not sure what I can and can’t say to the people around me because they might judge me for my love for him. It’s getting on my nerves because I can’t revel in my relationship. I can’t really be happy or giggle about it with anyone up in Boston, save for those who haven’t met him. Everyone who has . . . they close down. I can talk to those in Dallas who know both me and TJ and can have the girl-talk time with them . . . but it’s hard knowing that I’m the only one up here that is really rooting for my situation. I’m my own cheerleader.
We’ve tried everything to lighten the situation and to really try to make people understand what had been riding under the surface of the August visit, and yet nothing really happened, nobody’s really listening. My mother’s being the hardest on my relationship, and doesn’t approve of him or give her blessing on our relationship. And that hurts. I’m not out to be an approval addict, but this is really getting to become painful, like a festering wound on my heart that nothing will heal. I’m weary.
He’s coming up in four days. Maybe, hopefully, things will change.
